Conflict
If you have a conflict with someone, try to resolve it tactfully.
Principles
- Keep issues between yourselves or bring in a manager’s help if needed.
- Example: message the person “Hey, why did you close my pull request?” rather than saying in Slack or in a meeting, “It’d be nice if people wouldn’t close other people’s pull requests without telling them.” (Hypothetical situation.)
- Mention circumstances and how they impact you, rather than attacking others’
character
- Example: tell someone “I felt sort of attacked by the thing you said in that pull request”, rather than, “Hey! Why are you always attacking me, you jerk?”
- Assume good will and be grateful to others when they bring an issue to your attention
- Apologize for your mistakes as needed
Asking For Help
When attempting to resolve conflicts, it can sometimes be very helpful to have someone else there to help. A dedicated mediator is a well-established concept in conflict resolution. We would be wise to use this concept as well.
Who Can Help
Anyone can be a mediator. An authority figure can sometimes be helpful, but is definitely not required. In terms of who to ask, here are some suggestions:
- Your tech lead
- Your tech lead is invested in unblocking you. Conflicts are blockers.
- Your manager
- Your manager is there to be your advocate.
- Your manager’s manager (recursive)
- If you feel uncomfortable talking to your manager, you are always free to move up the chain up to and including the department head.
- Another engineer
- Another engineer from your team (but separate from the conflict) or from another team can be a great help to resolve conflict.
How To Ask For Help
It can be hard to ask for help. If that is the case for you, feel free to use any of these phrases to get the conversation started.
- “I’m having trouble communicating with #{coworker}. Would you mind helping us listen to each other?”
- “My communication with #{coworker} feels tense and divisive. Could you help us reëstablish trust and understanding?”
- “I’m feeling attacked by #{coworker}. I would like to feel safe. Can you help me with that?”